Tuesday, August 05, 2008

gods and their lovers

its been weird two months of my life. from being someone who has just started believing in god to someone who has finally acknowledged she needs the presence, i have come a long way. or maybe not. i can't really decide.
those who have known me for a long time now would probably know that i used to really "believe" in God, his mercy and all that a few years ago.. used to go to the church regularly, more than my christian boyfriend used to go. used to go to the temples and sit their trying to gather every happy feeling inside me. kneel down the minute i felt low and needed anyone, pray before eating, all that... i cant say he was always there. but a certain peace came over. the kind of peace you have when you have faith on a certain someone. and you know this peace wont be over and then it all vanished. with a simple break of heart. not because i blamed god or anything. simply because i was so broken that it never occurred to me, that probably its all for the good. maybe it was, maybe not. i can never definitely say that god stood beside me or not... when i was begging him for getting sam back, whether god even wanted to say "no, i can't" there was no answer and i kind of felt left out. and thats what broke me. somewhere deep down i guess there is larger picture. in certain ways i feel its the smaller details which remain more important.

what got me back to god was love again. this time in a special way. he just prays to god. believes... and that makes me feel i need to believe too. i just need to keep my faith. i dont know what happened.. sitting in the hotel room alone, all i needed was a hug. and i felt maybe i can ask it from someone who i havent asked much from in the last few years. maybe i just need to call him back. the pain was just too huge to bear alone. in god i was trying to find my divine incarnate. the small piece of god that has rubbed off on the person i love so much. i dont know whether god came or not. but the pain eased off. and that was that. i just suddenly needed that presence again. i stil cant decide whether it guides me or not. i still cant decide whether god loves me at all or knows i exist or not. but i just need him. just like i need "A"... i dont know how much more is planned for me. whether i have had it easy till now and its going to be more difficult for me now... whether i can go through it or i will give up. but i still thank him. everytime i talk to my divine touch i thank... and beg he gets his smiles, he gets his pooh, atleast one prayer is answered... he doesnt need me anymore. and i am cassandra.. no one believes me. my premonitions are right. i know whats gonna happen even before they think that is possible.

6 comments:

adi said...

its strange na, how some people are getting back something which they never lost and how some people think they are losing what they will eventually never loose...

meet_me said...

hmmm
i guess everyone has their periods of belief and non-belief, of deciding whether to really believe in Him or not, but yes, he has a special way of making you always come back... and he hopes u'd stick around ...

strange I came here to write something about belief today, but am going back after just reading ur post and leaving a comment for u (and may be myself as well)

Red Eyes said...

This is an interesting topic. Its intriguing how the concept of God is represented in a variety of ways by a variety of cultures

Srini said...

Nice blog...Nice honest thoughts...But GOD doesn't exists...It's your belief that exists...It's your trust that exists...It's your love that exists...Its your touch that exists... These are my opinion...No hard feelings though...Being truthful to oneself and making difference in ones life is much more good time spent than thinking about something which doesnt exists...chaio...

shadows said...

well, anyone who is ready to put in a post is welcome to join the blog... please email me...

shadows said...

wonder what he really does though meet_me??
what is his real motive